Monday, April 1, 2013

The 3 Broken Heart Remedies


A broken heart is one of the most painful feelings a person will experience, the sadness that accompanies a break up is incredibly intense.  The more love that you felt for your ex partner, the more your heart will suffer.  Is there a broken heart remedy?  Unfortunately there is no instant cure or remedy for a broken heart but that doesn’t mean that you are destined to feel that agonizing hurt for the rest of your life.  Although you will feel alone, sad and depressed for a while, there are some steps that you can take to help overcome your sadness.

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Recovery from a broken heart will take time but these steps will help you to deal with the hurt that you are feeling and speed up the recovery process.  While they are not an instant remedy for your poor, crushed heart, they will help you get through this difficult period.


1. Take control of your emotions.

It is easy to lose control of your emotions when you are in such a desperately sad state following a relationship break up.  You will feel such a big range of emotions including intense sadness, incredible anger and rejection.  You will sometimes be angry at yourself and sometimes feel anger toward your ex.  If you can’t take control of your emotions then you will find it difficult to move on.

A roller coaster of emotions is perfectly normal after a break up and there is nothing wrong with experiencing such a big range of different emotions, just as long as those emotions don't take over your life.  If you are feeling sad then let the emotions out, have a good cry and then move on.  If you are feeling angry then let those emotions out too, go punch a punching bag or go down the beach and scream your lungs out and then move on.  If you let your emotions continue to bring you down and can't get past them then you might find yourself falling into a deep depression and that will be very difficult to climb back out of.

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2. Accept that The Relationship is Over

Everything in life happens for a reason and if you can look at your break up with this attitude then you are one step closer to mending your broken heart.  Even though you might feel that your ex partner is 'the one' for you, perhaps he isn't.  Perhaps this relationship was never destined to work.  If this person isn't 'the one' then as long as you are with him you are prohibited from finding Mr Right.  Maybe this break up happened for a reason and happened so that you could change paths in your life journey and find the person that you really are meant to be with.  You will find happiness again and as soon as you accept that this relationship is over the sooner you can open yourself up to finding happiness.


3. Move On With Your Life

Sometimes you just need to let go and move on.  The ending of this relationship is not the end for the world; it is just the end of one chapter in your life journey.  When it is obvious that this relationship wasn’t meant to be, then you can let go and move on with your life.  


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Although breaking up from a relationship is incredibly sad just try to remember that you have your whole life ahead of you and many more fantastic experiences to have.  There is no magic cure to heal a broken heart but if you consider these three steps and try to follow them you can start to recovery from the heartache and move on with your life.  Learn from the experiences you shared with this person and become a stronger person from them.  It's time to move on and enjoy the rest of your life.

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How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Want You Back


All those tips on how to approach your ex are fine, but wouldn’t you rather know how to make your ex boyfriend want you back and come to you first? It’s not only easier, it also gives your relationship a better chance of survival when you let your guy come to his own conclusions instead making false promises or blackmailing him with guilt. Just a few simple tactics can get you started.

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Rein in your emotions

If you want to permanently drive off your ex, go ahead and call him up and pour out your deepest feelings for half an hour. If you want to know how to make your ex boyfriend want you back, though, the first thing you need to learn is how to express your feelings in a more guy-friendly way. When you get a chance to talk to your ex, be the same confident, easy-going woman you were when you first met. 


Improve yourself

Instead of sitting home wallowing in misery, get out and start doing all those things you always wanted to do, but never had time for. Buy a new camera and start improving your photography skills, brush up on your French, or sign up for a karate class. It doesn’t really matter what; as long as it’s something you want to do. One little tip, though: since you are, after all, trying to figure out how to make your ex boyfriend want to back, try to get involved in something you know he’d enjoy to. That way you have a ready excuse to meet up. 

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Take care of your looks

Sure, looks aren’t everything, but as far as men’s feelings of attraction are concerned, they do matter. That doesn’t mean you have to run out and get plastic surgery and the wardrobe of a Cosmo cover model, though. Instead, become the most beautiful version of you that you can. Take some time to learn which fashions flatter your figure, which hairstyle compliments your face, and pick up a few makeup tricks to highlight your best features.


Get your life in order

Despite the presumption that guys want to stay bachelors as long as possible, there are plenty of men out there who do want to get married and start a family. These guys are looking for stable, mature woman who’re ready for the responsibilities of raising a family. Maybe in your heart you’re ready to settle down, but your life doesn’t really reflect it—working late or partying every night, not setting aside money for the future, and not taking care of your health. If so, see what you can do to get your life shaped up.

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Believe it or not, you probably do stand a pretty good chances of figuring out how to make your ex boyfriend want you back. After all, assuming you had a good relationship to begin with, at one point, you’re ex thought you were great just the way you were when he met you. Let him know you’re still that same amazing woman and he may just come around.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Getting Beyond on "He Said-She Said"

The term, "He said/she said" is often heard in the unfortunate case of rape.  In this situation the term applies to the fact that when there is little factual evidence on which to base a decision the jury is left trying to determine who's story they believe and the case becomes one of her word against his.  These cases perhaps illustrate the problems regarding he said/she said that couples are faced with in a relationship. 

Beyond the fact that in a rape case one or both of the parties may not be telling the truth, exists the underlying problem that men and women think and process information differently. The differences between male and female gender include differences in thought process, sensitivity, memory, and communication.  A successful relationship is one that recognizes the difference between men and women and is able to get beyond the he said/she said scenarios. 



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Men and women have a different thought process when it comes to solving problems.  While both sexes are capable of solving problems equally well the thought process involved in coming to a resolution varies between them. For men a problem is an opportunity for them to demonstrate their problem solving skills in a quick and efficient manner.  Men see having the problem solved as the ultimate goal and they believe that the best solution is the one that is quickest and most efficient. 

Women on the other hand see a problem as an opportunity to work together and reach a resolution.  Women relish the chance to communicate about the problem and the act of working together to solve the problem is more important than actually solving the problem.  Women may feel closer to their partner, even if the problem still exists, if she feels that the resolution process drew them closer together.  Understanding that women and men view the problem solving process differently will help a relationship to prosper. 

Sensitivity is another area where ladies and gentlemen differ.  Women have a heightened sense of sensitivity relative to men. This heightened sensitivity results in women being more prone to act on their emotions rather than on rational thought. A woman’s sensitivity allows her to understand her own feelings as well as those of others better so her reactions tend to take feelings into consideration above logic. 

However, men do not have the same level of sensitivity and therefore are more likely to make their decisions based solely on logic and not take feelings and emotions into consideration.  This disparity can result in problems during a relationship because the woman assumes that the man intentionally tried to hurt their feelings if they make a decision that has this effect while the man may grow frustrated if he believes the woman made an irrational decision.  Realizing that this difference exists will help a couple to get beyond he said/she said. 



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Men and Women also differ in terms of memory.  Men have a memory that is stronger in situations where they can recall the details of an event by making an association with something concrete such as a location or item.  For example men are more apt to remember an event that took place in a location that they are able to visualize well. 

Women on the other hand have a memory that is stronger when they are able to associate the emotions felt with that memory to other memories where they had similar emotions.  This type of memory is especially problematic because when a women becomes angry with her partner, she is often able to recall other situations where he has angered her. Unless the difference in memory is recognized it can become a source of frustration in a relationship when the man and woman don't understand why their partner doesn’t remember something that is so vivid to them. 

Men and Women also often have different communication styles which can complicate a relationship.  Men tend to be more introspective about their problems and choose to deal with them internally and without discussing them with their partner.  When they do decide to discuss a problem it's usually after much thought and careful consideration.  Women on the other hand enjoy conversing about their problems with their partner and believe that doing so helps them to understand their problem better and come to a solution more easily.  Women often use communication as a method for reaching a conclusion.  They view the discussion as a way to figure out a solution.  The he said/she said aspects of communications must be understood to avoid frustration and disappointment in a relationship.


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Men and women have different styles when it comes to problem solving, sensitivity, memory and communication in a relationship.  Careful observance and understanding of these differences is necessary for a relationship to flourish.  Understanding these he said/she said principals and being willing to get beyond them will help to minimize difficulties in a relationship; in regards to gender differences.

Managing the Relationship Matrix

In general a matrix is a table of data containing information in both rows and columns.  Specifically a relationship matrix could be one that is used to determine your genealogical relationship to another.  However in terms of relationships, the relationship matrix often refers to how compatible you and your partner are in respect to certain issues such as communication, interests, and financial and career.  While the partners do not have to agree completely in all or any of these areas, finding a balance is critical to a healthy relationship.

 

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Communication is one of the factors in the relationship matrix.  Style of communication can vary from speaking based on emotion and without much thought to your words to speaking based on logic and putting much thought into what you plan to say before you begin speaking.  On one hand the speaker who relies on emotion, often speaks from their heart and their words usually reflect their feelings at the moment they are speaking.

On the other hand there is a speaker who relies on logic and often spends much time calculating their words before they speak.  This speaker rarely reflects their emotions in their words and instead relies on facts to support their argument.  While neither style of speaking is right or wrong, conflict may arise in a relationship if the partners are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  These problems may arise if the partner who speaks on emotion is frustrated with the lack of emotion and slow speech of the logical speaker and the logical speaker is in turn frustrated by the lack of restraint shown by their partner.  The partners can help to manage this part of the relationship matrix by trying to meet somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.  The emotional speaker may agree to take some time to step away from their emotions for a few minutes before speaking and the logical speaker may agree to try to speak more freely and without so much restraint in the future. 

Interests and hobbies is another aspect of the relationship matrix that can either doom or enhance a relationship.  Sharing common interests can be beneficial to a relationship because it fosters closeness and a bond between the partners.  They are able to enjoy a common interest or hobby and doing so brings them closer together.  If a couple has no common hobbies, this can be detrimental to the relationship because the members of the couple may feel as though their partner is not taking an interest in their activities.  While this may sound simple enough, it is important to realize that balancing out this aspect of the relationship matrix is very important.  Having too many interests in common can result in one or both of the partners feeling as if they are being smothered while showing no interest in your partner's activities indicates a lack of caring. 


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Financial and career aspirations are a tricky part of the relationship matrix that can be a source of much strife in a relationship.  There are two extremes for approaching finances and career.  On one extreme there is the logical and conservative partner while on the other extreme is the emotional and liberal partner.  These two extremes can be a recipe for disaster so it is necessary for this couple to find a sense of balance.  While one partner may be a risk taker in terms of their finances and career the other prefers a more conservative route.  Such extremes often result in the partners becoming frustrated with each other.  This frustration stems from the partners both being uncomfortable with the others approach.  For example the more liberal partner may be upset that the more conservative partner sticks with an unfulfilled job just because the pay is good while the conservative partner may be frustrated that the liberal partner works at a low pay job just because it is enjoyable.  In order to resolve any issues and avoid future conflict, it helps if the partners can come to an agreement that is more to in the middle of the road.  Reaching a compromise that is moderate instead of conservative or liberal will ensure that the financial aspect of the relationship matrix is balanced. 

The key to managing the relationship matrix is balance.  Finding a compromise in regards to crucial issues of the matrix such as communication, interests and finances will result in a much happier and healthier relationship.  While complete agreement is not critical to the survival of the relationship, a willingness to make compromises and understand your partner's positions on the matrix is critical.

Whats Up With Relationship Coaches?

A relationship coach is an expert who literally becomes a part of your relationship for a short time and during that time they evaluate your relationship, act as a visionary in helping you to realize the potential of your relationship and offer tips and guidelines for achieving this potential.  A relationship coach often has extensive education in human development or communication and they utilize their educational background to help to enhance your relationship.  Relationship coaches are tasked with instilling the skills necessary to produce a more fulfilling relationship and they often do this through listening to your understanding of the problem, observing the couple in action and creating a customized plan of action for the couple.  This article will outline the basic functions of a relationship coach and how they can be beneficial in a relationship. 




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The first step that a relationship coach will often take is to listen to a couple's complaints about the relationship.  While the couple may not be seeing the full problem, their understanding of the existing issues is often a good starting point for a relationship coach to begin her evaluation.  It is important that in your initial consultation with a relationship coach, you bring up all of the problems you see with the relationship. 

While you and your partner may have already discussed these issues at length, your relationship coach needs to hear these issues so that she can be sure to make an effort to observe these issues in the next stage of the process.  Being open and honest with your relationship coach about your perception of the problem is crucial to receiving a benefit from the use of a relationship coach.  Trying to hide certain issues or neglecting to mention them does not give the relationship coach an accurate representation of your relationship.  Furthermore it can be detrimental because if you neglect to mention a particular issue your relationship coach may be inclined to believe that you are satisfied with this aspect of your relationship and may not work to make improvements in this area.  In your initial consultation with a relationship coach, you will have the opportunity to offer your take on the relationship and let the coach know what you think is working and what needs improvement. 

After the initial consultation a relationship coach will often take some time to evaluate the couple’s relationship through observation.  They may come into the couple's lives on a daily basis and ask them to act normally while they observe the way that the couple interacts.  This step is very important because it gives the relationship coach a chance to determine whether or not the couple's self assessment of their relationship is accurate.  The couple may have their own beliefs about why an aspect of their relationship is dysfunctional but through careful observation the relationship coach may determine that the source of the problem is very different from the couple’s perception.  While a relationship coach may be able to determine the problems in a couple’s relationship through observation, this is only possibly if the couple makes an honest effort to act naturally during this observation period.  If the couple tries to fix their own problems during this phase and does not act naturally it will be difficult for the relationship coach to form a valid opinion about the way the couple interacts. 




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Once a relationship coach has had the opportunity to meet with the couple and spend some time observing their interactions they will be able to design a customized plan of action for enhancing the relationship and working to improve troubled areas.  The relationship coach will often offer exercises for the couple that will help them to see what they are doing wrong in the relationship and how these discrepancies can be fixed.  These exercises may involve either role playing activities that address everyday situations the couple faces or tips for communicating in stressful situations when they arise.  These exercises may also offer ways for the couple to learn to communicate in new ways for all situations not just those that place stress on the relationship.  While the exercises prescribed by the relationship coach may sound either too complicated or too simplistic, it is important to remember that these exercises won’t help your relationship unless you are willing to give them a try. 

Finally it is important to realize when relationship coaching will be effective in a relationship.  The general rule of thumb is that if you are considering enlisting the help of a relationship coach, then they will most likely be able to help your relationship.  The simple fact that you are considering a relationship coach demonstrates that you have faith in your relationship and are willing to work to improve the relationship.  If you have never heard of relationship coaches and a friend or relative suggests one and your attitude is that they won’t be able to help you that that is an indication that you have already given up on the relationship and in this scenario a relationship coach will most likely not be able to help your relationship.  The use of a relationship coach is most effective when at least one but preferably both of the partners are committed to doing whatever it takes to salvage the relationship. 

Relationship coaches may not be for everyone or every relationship but they can be critical in enhancing a relationship in some situations.  It is important to realize that relationship coaches can not solve all of your problems but they can offer you solutions for some problems and exercises for working on these problems.  If you are willing to put an honest effort into solving some of the problems in your relationship then you may greatly benefit from the advice of a relationship coach.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Tips to Fix Marital Problems

Statistics show that upwards o 50-60% of marriages end in divorce. The reason for this is because people are foolish and marry too young. They fall in love with someone in high school or college and rush themselves into marriage. The problem with this is that people change and mature over the years. The person you fell in love with may not be the same person down the road.

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This is where a lot of problems stem from. However as many problems as there may be, as many changes as there may be, you still may love each other. It is during situations such as these that you may be looking for books on marriage that can help you fix your marital problems.

There are a lot of ways you can fix your marriage, with literally tons of tips out there. While I can not go through all of them, I can list a few to help you get on the right track.

1. Communication. Communication is the single most important aspect during any relationship. We have no way of know what is troubling other people unless they tell us. It is also the same way for them. If you bottle up your emotions and do not talk about your problems, your spouse will have no idea there even is a problem.

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These bottled up emotions will end up surfacing during an argument and end up blindsiding your spouse, leaving them hurt and confused. Instead of letting this happen, just talk with them and try to settle your problems before they spiral out of control.

2. Compromise. Plenty of books on marriage will tell you that compromises are everything. You are two individuals, different people with different tastes. So you obviously will not agree on every single situation. Instead of arguing and fighting when you disagree, cool your head and try to come to a compromise that can make both you and your spouse happy.

3. Stay calm and go slow. Fights sprout up in any relationship. Even the best of friends will fight. The key is to not let these fights spiral out of control and ruin your marriage. Keep your calm and make sure you do not say or do something you will end up regretting. As well when you try applying any fixes to your marriage make sure you take them nice and slow, as rushing them can do more harm than good.

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4. Forgive and forget. Know which hills to die on and when to make a strategic withdraw. Not every fight and argument needs to be some major production that gets brought up for months or years to come. Instead of clinging to past fights, forgive your spouse for any transgressions and allow yourself and your spouse to move on.

5. Marriage counseling. If all else fails, if tips do not help and all the books on marriage do not work, then you may have to try going to a marriage counselor. These counselors are professionals, trained to help you salvage your marriage.



The Best Marriage Counseling Advice

Want some marriage counseling advice? I'm glad you asked. It's important to find a counselor who is qualified, but what does that mean?

There is more to being qualified than just having a bunch of diplomas on the wall. Not all counselors, no matter what their diplomas say, are good.

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They may have the "training" but that does not necessarily mean that they are good at helping people achieve their goals. It's as much about chemistry between you and your counselor as anything else.

I, and some other people I know, have gone to counselors who really didn't seem to get what they wanted. Others, have gone to counselors who really didn't provide much in the way of "support".

They would let their patient talk and talk (and for some folks, that's all they really need or want) but they never provided any real world tools that could help the patient actively make the changes in their marriage that they wanted to make.

Many people want those tools. They want specific things to do or say that will bring about the changes they are hoping for. This is one thing to consider before you start going to a particular counselor. What do you want from them?

Do you just want someone who will listen or do you want someone who can show  you some actual techniques (as opposed to theories) that you can start using right away?

It's important that you know what you want and find a counselor who practices in that way.

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Another thing to keep in mind is that you need to know what you want in your marriage too. Many people will think that they want to save the marriage, and in most cases this is what they want, but only to a point.

What most people really want is to feel like they are loved and understood by their spouse. That feeling of being loved and understood is more important than just saving the marriage.

And here is where it can get tough, your spouse may not be willing to make the changes needed to provide you with the type of marriage you really want. In other words, it may not be in your best interest to save the marriage at all.

Tough to hear, I know, but it's the truth. You should probably try to find a counselor who isn't afraid to tell you the truth, even if you might not always want to hear it.

This scenario was played out by my sister several years ago; Her husband was extremely abusive to her and the kids. It wasn't any type of physical abuse, but it was severe and it was abuse.

My sister went to a counselor associated with her church. This counselor actually made her feel guilty because she had finally had enough and was ready to leave the marriage.

The counselor was so "stuck" in his religious beliefs that he wasn't able to help my sister at all. He was unable or unwilling to try to stay objective and consider what was best for my sister and her kids. All he could think of was that the marriage must be saved at all costs.

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To me, that kind of mindless "let's save the marriage no matter what" type of thinking has no place with any counselor. I caution you to carefully look at any counselor before you hire them.

If they seem more inclined to be concerned with maintaining their own beliefs rather than helping you, run don't walk. Find someone who is not only qualified, but willing and able to help  you decide what is best for you. That is the best marriage counseling advice I can give.
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